Boldog Karacsony - Merry Christmas from Hungary

 

A few photos that highlight the festive spirit in my family and in the city. Happy Christmas and New year! x

 

 

 

 

 

Goodbye Sheila and comfort zone

This time last week, I was sat in A&E waiting to be checked out for whiplash from a car accident. Now I am writing about it.. still trips me out.   (poor Sheila the smart car is officially out of use at the moment, highly inconvenient) 

 

No one teaches you what to do if you crash a vehicle. your mind goes as empty as the road was. My brain and body were in shock, and it took me a few seconds to stop and process, this is when the trauma set in and I began hyperventilating and crying. This became worse as I saw the damage to the car and I really began to feel weak. It felt like I was in a movie and I had just acted out a stunt, which by the way the car was forced onto the pavement, you would think it was planned.
Anyway, as my sister got there and consoled me I began to calm down. She took charge for a bit and called my dad who is good at keeping his head in situations like this and immediately he said he would leave work and come to see me. My two friends from uni came pretty much straight away and encouraged me to go to A&E, even though at that time I didn't feel any pain. The news travelled fast and I had messages from people wishing me well and calls with my family. I felt like the luckiest person in the world, just for the fact no one else was hurt and that I had such an outpouring of love from others. As silly as it sounds, sometimes it takes a tragedy to shake people up into living in the moment and to be genuine. I felt no anger to the day, just exhaustion of emotion. However I did feel frustrated looking back as I didn't get any witnesses which would obviously help my case presently, but what good is it looking back and wishing you had done something else? I was just glad I could walk away from it.
This last week was a rollercoaster ride, with our fine art collective at uni fundraising as well as breaking up from this semester, I felt like it was overload. With time now to reflect on everything, it's good to be moving forward proactively and trying to stay light-hearted in the sometimes mundane and joy killing moments of life. Perhaps what im trying to say is a big thank you. To everyone who reached out to me, or even thought of me- it highlighted the true fragility of life, in all it's fear we still find light. That's a comforting thought to leave this on I think.

B x

Life for Life's sake

You know when you have a feeling that is infinitely hard to describe and is not tangible for another human to see? Well there is a name for that, Anxiety. And I won't sugar-coat it at all, it fucking sucks. It's not like in the movies when the socially awkward nerd wants to ask the hot cheerleader out at high school and by the end of the film he has become this hunk who gets the girl and goes to prom in a limo. No. No situation has ever ended like that for me (Although I wouldn't mind walking away with a cheerleader)
My last few weeks have looked more like panic! at University, alcohol consumption to forget shit I haven't done, racing heartbeats, tidying my room and messing it up again, eating too many Oreos and having no vision or motivation to do any work and struggling with this 'block' that doesn't want to lift from my brain. So, essentially not that great at all. And when it's supposed to be my most fruitful and busiest year at uni, it's not helpful that I didn't even want to go in.
 Anyway, sob story over, I'm writing this now because I feel that the fog may be lifting ever so slowly and there is hope yet! Whilst it's difficult to think outside of these nagging and constant thoughts of self doubt and disappointment, once you have a little glimmer of something positive (it may just be that you get out of the house for a bit) you can hopefully grab onto that and begin to pull yourself out of the dark ages of your brain. A lot of the time surrounding yourself with caring and compassionate people who love you is the best way to stay afloat in these times, and I have found that most comforting knowing my family and close friends are there to listen or even just for a hug. Also, if you have a pet, give them a massive hug (if it's a mouse or hamster be careful) this helps you to concentrate some of your energy on something else and can release happy hormones :) :)

I've found it difficult to face talking to people on many occasions but I do try my best to get up and show up in life, and to discuss ideas etc. with others. After the initial discomfort, I actually think to myself "wow it's not too bad actually this conversation is pretty useful" throw in a cup of coffee and the day is off to a good start. To put it bluntly: I gain a lot from being around others despite not always wanting to go at the start. So it's a push but most of the time it's worth it.
I think this is a good place to finish for now, and I hope if anyone is feeling similar to this, they can also find their way out of the dark place into the fresh air.    x

Daphne Wright: Emotional Archaeology

 

 

 

Arnolfini, Bristol.

 

Walking through the doors of the exhibition, I knew that I would see a horse on it's back as this was the image used to promote the event. What I didn't expect, was the finite amount of detail in the casting, the life like quality of it's 'skin' and the sombre atmosphere of the work.

The room seemed empty, the white swallowing up the space around the melancholy animals who were frozen in time. We walked around inspecting the life sized sculptures which were cast in marble dust and resin, these beautiful and lonely forms stranded in space and disconnected from their natural environment.  

The medium was evocative and added intensity to the work; the seemingly heavyweight appearance of marble felt like a physical weight for the viewer to carry and moving between each piece, you begin to understand the fraught and desensitised relationship we have with animals.

 

'Domestic Shrubbery' (1994) was a constructed room of plaster in a decorative wallpaper style whilst sound played from speakers. The ornate floral design was repeated all over the room which became an overpowering hub of confusion and disconnectedness, and the sound of a woman's voice imitating a cuckoos call was unsettling in this situation. Upon closer inspection, some hearts had been incorporated into the delicate design and it brought to mind the saying 'Home is where the heart is' which asks questions about our identity in society and how we feel we belong in certain places.  

 

A room that left me feeling very uneasy and slightly nauseous (possibly from a caffeine rush) was Gallery two, where a kitchen table replica was in the centre with two young boys (sculpted from Jesmonite) positioned on it. The frailty conveyed through the medium was unsettling and they felt much too life like to be that static. In the background, the voice of a young child could be heard (the screen was in the corner) saying Adult phrases which emphasized the vulnerability of the children even more.

The exhibition was beautifully curated and in a way that it allowed the viewer to consider what was being shown. The work was simple, elegant and arresting and left me thinking about relationships with the space and people around us as well as the way in which she used the materials. You were able to see the time it took for her to create each piece, it was evident in each mark and notch in the 'marble' and the durational aspect of it added to it's beauty.

 

A gloomy day, past sunshine.

As I'm sat here besides my contently snoring dog, I'm feeling quite nostalgic for the summer that has just passed. While it's flashed by, there were so many highlights, that I feel like I would like to write a little about these last few months before we head into the cooler Autumn. (and I lose my mind)

With the start of the summer, I was invited to How the Light gets In Festival in Hay-on-Wye to be part of the Glitter Girl team. Rosie who is the boss lady gave me the opportunity to step into her sparkly world and since then I've spent most of my summer covered in glitter or finding it around me. The festival sparked a lovely friendship between us all and I was asked to volunteer at Nozstock festival with her in July. Needless to say, I cannot recount everything from that weekend on here (or at all) nevertheless it will stay in my mind as a fabulous, crazy mush of colour, music and love. I hadn't been since 2013, so it was a nostalgic trip to revisit the same place with different people!

Just before Noz, I went home to Hungary to make the annual summer trip to see my family. This is always one of my highlights of the year and I look at it as a little retreat from reality. Being around my Mama (grandmother) gives me the motivation and strength to be kinder and more gentle, her selflessness is always something I aspire too. Plus her cooking is off the chain, I always take stretchy shorts with me so after our three course lunch I can lie out on the swinging chair and fall asleep in the afternoon sun. We all know that's the dream right?
The goodbyes never get any easier, and while it's only 2 and a half hours on a plane, it's a very long distance when you miss someone. Luckily, I found myself to have enough money in my account for once, so impulsively bought a ticket back home for Christmas which I'm excitedly waiting for. I'll be ringing Mama to start stocking up the pantry for my arrival...you can never be too organised.

At the end of July, I was honoured to be asked by my best friend Lucy to attend her graduation ceremony at Hereford Cathedral. The day marked the ending of student life, but the start of her exciting journey into real life and I couldn't be any prouder of her than I am now. Spending the day celebrating with her parents and boyfriend was a great end to her hard work over the three years; through the all nighters, tears and paper cuts, she came through the other side as a talented, kind hearted woman with her sense of humour still intact. I hope I can share my graduation next year with her as we have been by each others side for over three years and supported one another when we needed it most. My life encourager, I love you Luc!

Throughout August I was in the middle of my first official dog sitting job, landed with a welsh collie called Jem. He is only one year old, and I'm not going to lie, my first thought was something like       "Collie. Puppy. My house. Disaster" Im glad to report that I was so wrong. I had him for just under 4 weeks and the amount of fun my family and I had with him was unforgettable. He was so well behaved and considerate towards my dog who is definitely past his puppy playing days, I was taken aback by the bond they had together. What was also unforgettable, was when we went to the park and he rolled himself into poo... human poo no less and my job as dog sitter became very serious and very shitty. The bathtub has never had such a thorough cleaning in all it's life, and neither have I. (The perks of the job I guess)  Just writing about him now, I realise how much I enjoyed his playful company, I look forward to meeting up in the park with his family.
Also, whilst Jem was staying with me, I went to visit my good friends who recently moved from Hereford to Bournemouth and who own the best Beagle in the world (my adopted son) A few days getaway by the sea with amazing company and lots of dogs was exactly what I needed. The change of scenery was refreshing and reminded me how much I would like to live by the sea one day, the wind in our hair and sand between our toes was all we needed. Thank you Ramirez and Cinthia for your kindness and friendship, we miss you here everyday.

Obviously, I will have to write a little about Cyprus as it's probably been one of the most profound, interesting and exciting trips I've ever taken, and independently too. I realised that there is no better time than now to do things, I booked this residency without knowing what to expect and I don't think I was ready at that time. It took a long time for it to come around I never thought I leave, but arriving there, I knew that it was exactly what I wanted and needed. Everything from the location of the college, the ocean, the other artists who have become friends, the space in the studios, it was all familiar to me as if I had experienced it before. I fell straight into the Cyprus artist life and I loved every minute of it. Even just laying in a hammock with a book and a coffee felt so important to me, and I was able to write a lot and reflect on life as well as art.
Being there I felt we were all part of a little community held together with creativity and stories, and that was something I had never really experienced before. Obviously in Uni we have a similar environment but it does feel different because of academic side involved in it, here there was no ego's and no deadlines, just genuine, heartfelt, hilarious conversations that flowed into the night. In those moments, I knew that I wanted to be nowhere else and it had me thinking about my future travel plans, about all the people I will talk to and all the places I will fall in love with.

This post is getting lengthy so I will bring it to a close before I recount every detail of every day.
The days have flown by; I have drunk too much coffee, smoked too much, laughed often and written mostly everyday. I have spent time with people I have missed greatly, I have met some beautiful, interesting people who have inspired me to be excited for life and embrace each day, I have said goodbye to an old part of me so that I can grow some more this year and the year after. I feel like I'm ready to get back to uni and begin creating crazy things with crazy people (my favourite) and become more independent in my life. Even just saying that makes me feel waaaay too adult.
As my sister says "I have an attitude of Gratitude"  and everything this summer, this year has really made me feel grateful to be here and doing what I love. 

x

Cyprus College of Art Residency Reflection

After being home almost a week, I think it's time for me to look back at my Cyprus trip, reminisce, and reflect on some work and my experience there.

The studio:

 

As you arrive to the college studios, you feel slightly overwhelmed by the space that is provided for you as you are still getting accustomed to the place and climate. It took me a couple of days to get the courage to go up into the studios and pick a space that I would call my own for the next two weeks, but I instantly fell in love with the bottom room of the building where dappled light streamed onto the walls around midday. Then it became my playground.
I had no intention of the work I wanted to do here, I went with an empty journal and mind and used only things I found on site and in Lemba. This was far more exciting as it meant I got to engage with the local surroundings and could explore independently, whilst documenting it with my camera and journal.
My inspiration came to me in the form of my first swim in the ocean. I was completely taken aback by the purity of the water and its clear colours. As soon as I got in, I felt at home and was floating on my back with the sun on my face (salt in my eyes!) and I remember that visceral experience so vividly that it stuck with me throughout my time there and still now. The water was like another dimension for me and that's what began my thinking into colour, form and line, and how I would be able to make something that felt immersive.
Taking photo's of the ocean wouldn't do it justice I feel, it's something so vast and encompassing that a single image can not convey that sensory experience- so I began collecting objects and putting them in my space. Blue items kept finding their way into it, I really believe the colour has a strong impact on how I connected to the water so it made it easier in a way to select certain things. The space was craving for things to be assembled in there and so I began arranging my found objects on different levels, hanging some, standing others up around the space. Each element worked well on it's own but together they created an almost micro submerged world, where each part was perfectly in balance and co-existing. Just like in nature.
It was important for me look at the environment I was in then, how the various layers of the land formed around me and what it meant to be in such a different landscape than what I was used too. With this new mind-set, I began to experience my surroundings differently, looking at the space, colour and line and how each connects to the other in nature. This led me to many discarded objects that I found around the college site (some previously made by other artists) and I re appropriated them as part of my installation, using the whole space (after some discussion with a fellow artist) as a canvas to work on. There was a lot of movement in the space and it was freeing to work in such a physical way with no restrictions, it allowed me to try a lot of things out and document what was successful, and what wasn't as great. I kept coming back to the notion of interconnectedness, and how all elements of the natural world link in with one another, I applied this to my space and it began to unfold in front of me quite organically.
With it being so warm and having lights in the studio, we could work into the night as we pleased and I seemed to have a lot of creative energy in the evening and wanted to discuss work with fellow artists there, two of which also did installation/ site specific works. It was really helpful to receive other's opinions on my work in progress, I find the conversations you have spontaneously with other artists in the moment quite enlightening and I was able to take away useful things from that. 
By this time, I had just been scuba diving, which was an intense, incredible experience for me and it opened up a whole new perspective, literally. Being submerged under the water as opposed to swimming on the surface, gave me such visual stimulation as well as the feeling of weightlessness under water which is difficult to describe if you haven't experienced it for yourself. My sense of time was non existent and you forget where you are as you swim across the sandy floor bed and between coral. This made me feel so much more connected to the work I was creating and I began painting on a piece of found canvas cloth, geometric shades of blue and green which I felt was a side piece to the installation as they all shared this subject.
It seemed as though I got more work done in the last 5 days than altogether, and we had an informal group event where we invited each other and Margaret to our studio spaces to discuss our work and ideas. Seeing people in the installation I had pieced together was really special and the feedback I received was so very encouraging. I wanted the space to be a tangible, interactive representation of my experience there, as well as push my boundary of creative response. This was my first time working in a space, this big, independently and it was so exciting to be able to watch the slow process of building something from nothing.
I photographed my space as it evolved and also did a couple of videos in the space at different times of the day when the light transformed the way it looked. That was one of my favourite elements of the room, when the afternoon sun filtered in through the corrugated plastic roof, it left patterns on the wall as if it were reflections of the waters surface. I felt submerged in the space and watching the light move around the studio added to the surreal atmosphere of it.
On the morning when I was due to leave, I visited my studio for one last time (obviously it would be difficult to take my piece home on the plane..) and experienced it in it's eerie solitude. The gentle movements of the hanging frame, the light on the wall, the chipped tiles and various shades of blue around the room looked a little sombre but I was proud that I could leave a part of myself there and take a part of Cyprus back with me.

Cyprus College of Art (journal extract)

I would like to share some parts of my travel journal that I kept as I went for a residency at Cyprus college of Art, Lemba. I wasn't able to blog whilst I was there.


26/08/16

The place is not how I imagined at all, in fact im not sure what I expected.
Accomodation is basic as was promised, but my rooms simplicity is actually comforting and its a forgiving shelter from the intense sun. The rooms are scattered across various levels of rough steps and under shady leaves of trees, a hammock (which i am currently lying in) is strung up between two branches and overlooks the kitchen block and then the valley below.
Around the living space there are chairs with an assortment of cushions, old armchairs and tables that are used as little meeting hubs where we can sit and eat aswell as chat into the night.
You can laze around all day, there is no sense of urgency here and time becomes non existent, the sun moving around the sky is the only reminder of time passing.
Tiny stray kittens have made their home here and welcome food and affection from us, I relate to their timid nature as I am just as much a stray here as they are.

After wandering into the kitchen which houses all sorts of oils, spices and mismatched mugs, im eating (again) local bread with hummus and cherry tomatoes which will make up the majority of my diet for the next few weeks aswell as coffee, pasta and peach slices.
The humidity makes it hard to eat full, big meals so snacking is my last resort.

My first full day here has been spent wandering around Lempa (the village im staying in) and aclimbatizing myself to the almost unbearable heat. Reading and water are helping me through the day aswell as chatting with the other artists and photographing the college.
Around 3pm we walked down through the valley which is a mix of scorched dust and lushious green foliage with purple flowers and pomegranates. We reached the sea, and by that time I was ready to dive into the glistening waves, I've never experienced water that is as clear and warm as that and I lost all sense of time as I floated on my back in the aquamarine water which had a strong saltiness to it.

Creative Flow

Its strange how creativity ebbs and flows like a gentle stream. It comes to me in waves and so sporadically, I find it hard to plan sessions of making unless I have a specific idea in mind, even then it can be difficult to focus. I'll take today as an example.
I was walking the dogs down the road and the rain was making it quite hazy to see anything. I walked past something white on the side of the road and realised it was a bouquet of faux white roses (probably discarded from someone's wedding or event) as soon as I carried on by, I began to conjure up ideas in my head of how I could use it and began to compose a loose poem on it. Before I knew it I had walked to the end of the road and stopped, considering turning back in the drizzly rain, I knew if I didn't go back and pick up these flowers I would not stop thinking about them. It became such a vivid thought in my head, so I ran back to them and picked them up. Im always attracted to materials that are found whilst walking or exploring and the narratives they have behind them. Even inventing new stories for them gives it another perspective to see it from and they become more than just 'objects'. These flowers brought to mind 'Discarded Womanhood' the idea that they symbolised the traditional ideas of femininity, unity and purity (because of the white) but had been abandoned and are now just part of someone's memory. The fact that I went back and picked them up and will now re-appropriate them really fits into this idea of discovering objects and creating something out of them, giving them another life. This was that creative surge that I mentioned, I don't necessarily have solid plans for them yet but I know that I tend to think on things after I've acquired them and make sense by composing words about them. It's a fairly loose way of bringing things together but I really enjoy the process of going between materials and disciplines and revisiting things. So it was well worth going back for the flowers.

Serendipity

Strange, I've just come back to my old blog that was updated last exactly a year ago. Something must've brought me here, and I think it's because I miss writing.
I don't want to continue with my original blog though, I'm looking to start something fresh and challenging and honest. My writing will be a response to how I feel about the world, being an artist, a woman,  and wanting more from this life. Most likely, my writing will be erratic, unpredictable, rude but painfully truthful because I am tired of pretending to be a nice girl and trying to fit in with how nice people want to live. By the way, fuck the word nice, it sucks.

Whereas before I planned my posts and discussed ideas for future posts, this will be the complete opposite to that. As far away from that as I can run. I've learnt to just chill the F out a bit and stop thinking so far into the unknown and to concentrate on the present and what is affecting me now, rather than what I feel people might like to scroll through in two weeks time. This is a place for me to make sense of my scrambled words, creative output, random ideas and to document this time in my life, so if no one else reads this, that is absolutely fine. I enjoy my own company anyways.